“I think it’s the impurities of the drug that comes out in your skin that make you itch. There was a very unpleasant incident that took place and I was so sickened by what this person had done. I was alone, coming down and by the morning I was missing close to a third of the skin off my body. At the time you don’t feel it but it was the most incredible pain to get into a shower, I wouldn’t leave the house. Meth numbs the pain so you don’t realise the damage you are doing. It’s hard to fathom that something can do that. I find it so strange now to look back on that time but I also try and hold onto some of those memories. I don’t think I’m at risk of relapsing now but I remember the first year. It’s been 3 years in October. You never forget.
I made an agreement with myself when I left. It was I either get off this or end it because I’m no use to my kids or anyone else. I was in that much agony, physical and emotionally. It was so much torture that I would have but I didn’t and I’m so glad I didn’t. I know people who smoke Meth because of physical pain as well. They do it even though it makes things worse. There’s that odd handful who get on it for a good time then end up stuck there. A lot of us who ended up staying there are people hiding from trauma, childhood abuse and I heard some horrendous stories. How do you get out, who’s going to offer me a job? One of the guys had been in jail. He got out and was like ‘who’s going to employ me?’ so you know they keep selling drugs, what else was he going to do? It’s a vicious cycle. He’s been through the most horrific childhood trauma like many others but then we turn on them after for being broken down. You’re a junkie! you’re scum and then I think people want to give me a medal for coming out of it but a couple of years ago you looked down on me. I was offered no help, I was shamed and so ashamed and then people say ‘how did you recover? Surely you couldn’t have done it on your own?’
Some people can be addicted to certain drugs for years and still maintain an ordinary life and other people just nose dive very quickly and that’s what happened to me. Some people still eat and sleep on Meth Amphetamine which amazed me. I was nearly dead at the end of that first year, I was so thin, my mental state had deteriorated, I was incredibly depressed. I had nothing to feel good about myself whereas others managed to. It’s a very interesting trajectory that it takes. It’s not the same for everyone but eventually we all hit rock bottom. In just 6 months to a year we can lose some.
The children, some people weren’t able to get as much support or keep it together as well as I did and there were a number of children I met along the way that broke my heart. I just wanted to take them home and give them a meal and some time. Just someone spending some time with them and it’s for all those people, I know what hell it was to go through and I really want to go back and show them that I found a door.
I used plant medicines to help me as well and unfortunately they are still restricted and prohibited in Australia in spite of successful clinics running overseas for years now. It would be great if we could have clinics, especially where people can be monitored. This isn’t something I’ve read and hoped for its something I’ve done. Some people may take one treatment, others up to ten but we are all fine with that as opposed to, for instance Methadone which you may be on for life.
I remember the day I left the state and moved here. It was my youngest daughters birthday. I asked them: “Are you ok with leaving everyone behind?” and both my girls just said …Yes! Kirra is now 11 and my youngest is 8. My eldest was so distressed by what was happening to me and I really hope that there isn’t so much of a mystery to her as what drugs entail. If she hits her teenage years and gets caught up in the Hollywood glamour of this could be so much fun. There’s nothing fun there. I’ve seen first hand what it does to a person and I hope that’s enough to deter. It’s a real concern for young people these days. My parents don’t even drink alcohol so they were very surprised and yet my sister fell into the same trap as well. I do believe it can happen to anyone. People say ..no way! could never happen to my child but it can. Rich or poor, different choice of drugs.
We need to find better treatment options and that’s why I’ve gone to Uni. I’m doing a Bachelor of Psychological Science and a Bachelor of Clinical Science. The Clinical Science degree is without a major so it allows me to add in units like Neuroscience, Chemistry and Pathophysiology to be able to understand the nature of addiction. There is a lot that comes with it and I really want to get my head around it. I want to take that experience and not just my own but all the people I met along the way and got to know.
I don’t think I could have stayed in Uni and maintained my grades if it wasn’t for having the motivation completely outside of money because money would not be enough for this. I’ve got 2 Distinctions so far and all the rest have been High Distinctions. I received a scholarship to go to Sumatra last year to do Environmental Conservation which was a fantastic opportunity. I ended up with another scholarship till I finish my degrees which is awesome. The support networks I may have had are gone and I can’t go back to QLD. Don’t get me wrong, I totally love the Northern Rivers and this area but you know it can be a bit tough having children on your own and no family around. This scholarship is just fantastic and I’m very grateful for the people that helped me. In the last year since I’ve been down here I’ve mended things with my parents again and they are extremely proud of me.“
If you, a friend or a family member need help or support or even just someone to talk to please see links below. 
Riverlands Drug and Alcohol Centre – 0266 207 600
North Coast primary health – 0266 273 300
Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636
Family Drug Support Australia – 1300 368 18 (24 hrs 7 days a week)
Lifeline – 13 11 14
Kids Help Line – 1800 55 1800
http://www.adin.com.au