“I was very depressed when I had it. It wasn’t even for fun or a party, it just felt like an escape but It makes you awake and anxious and it wasn’t fun. It’s really sad because I know how much hell I went through with it and I saw some of the most vulnerable people in society so addicted to it. We don’t offer much in the way of help and I do realise that behaviours can make that difficult but no-one starts off wanting that for themselves.
I didn’t think it would grab me so very quickly. I don’t know why I became addicted so fast because after that first time I ended up in my backyard throwing up but it grabbed me. It took away that feeling of sadness and anxiety and you don’t feel those really uncomfortable feelings but it’s only for a little while and those feelings comes back with a vengeance. That’s why people do it. It’s really just to escape the horrors of what’s in your head.
I couldn’t break away seeing the same people around me. I was on and off of it and I was really bad for about a year. It’s an illness but it often gets seen as a persons character. I find it interesting that everyones like, How did you do it? how did you get off it? Surely you couldn’t have done it on your own! At the end of the day I didn’t want to talk to anyone. The social stigma, I wouldn’t even see a doctor so I did struggle through it alone. It was something I only just managed to do, it was so hard. I did have the Aspergers boyfriend and even though he was unfaithful I didn’t break up with him. We weren’t living together but I had a lot of family support around. My children were always well cared for but I think that actually became a hinderance to my recovery in the end because it enabled me as well. I had to leave the state and that’s what brought me here to Lismore.
I put myself in a position when I came here, I didn’t know a soul, it was just me and my children and when the cravings came the withdrawal symptoms were horrific. You start to feel like you are drowning in your own bodily fluids. It dehydrates the mucous membranes so it starts to over produce mucous but then when you stop…..you find it so hard just to be awake, all the time you are awake your body just wants to sleep for weeks.
I was so deprived of food, it was a long hard road and I had 2 little girls who were very dependant on me in a new place. I don’t know how I got through it. By taking away the help that I essentially had and I know this may not work for all people or all mothers but I can’t let my children go without or suffer so as hard as it was and as tired as I was I was the only person here now. There is no family members, no help. There were times where I felt like driving back to the coast and getting more but I thought, What about my kids, they needed me so it was impossible. It was like climbing Mt Everest and then some.
A few of my friends from before, I’m not sure whether they are alive or not. I’m not game enough to make contact and find out. People wrote me off. I was considered too far gone. People didn’t expect me to ever recover. I did have breaks occasionally where I didn’t use, maybe half the week then I would lose track of days. The kids may have been fed, showered, but things that needed to be taken care of never got done like paperwork. My father had to pay tolls on the road because I just never did. Meth removed that button that reminds you of things you need to do, important things. It switched all that off, completely changes your personality. I didn’t eat. The worst time was once I didn’t eat for a week, not a thing. I was so skinny and emaciated. I’m tall and I was a size 6. I avoided doctors, I avoided cameras, I avoided social interaction. That social stigma, if anything makes you drop out of the world even further. There isn’t anything good in your life for any way to turn it around, you feel there is nothing to look forward to.”