“ I was born in late January 1968, at Royal North Shore Hospital and I was adopted out at 3 weeks of age. You have no memory and you have no awareness or way of knowing what happened within that 3 week period. They had a lot of different agencies back then linked in with churches so hospitals had affiliations with certain churches. My parents adopted us through the Catholic church. My Mum who raised me I will just call Mum, she had blocked fallopian tubes so she had a lot of different surgeries to investigate that. They didn’t have the technologies they have now. These days they would have been able to clear the tubes and she would have gone on to have her own babies most probably but back then adoption was the only way for those couples to have babies. There was no IVF in 1968 so there were even more families wanting babies.
I wonder about many things…did I have breast milk? I know back then women expressed for other mothers and obviously you miss out on that early bonding. There’s been research done about that, lack of contact, lack of facial recognition and abandonment issues later on. All these things can create birth trauma. You would never know what causes what really. I’ve had those issues throughout my life. Just yesterday I found the book that my parents used to let me know I was adopted. It’s called, being the patriarchal society that we still live in, “Mr Fairweather and his Family”. That was a story about adopted children. My brother was also adopted. He’s 18 months older than me and we’re not blood related. I remember sitting down and enjoying that book. It made me feel comfortable with my story because it was a similar family with the older brother and the daughter. I think back then most families were told to tell their kids. They were told to say that we were special as well so I grew up thinking I was special, also my name was unusual so I kind of felt quite unique in a good way, I guess.
As an adopted person you kind of feel like you don’t belong anywhere. You don’t sort of belong in the family where you were adopted by and I’ve met my birth mother’s family, I don’t belong there either so you’re searching for that sense of belonging all your life. I guess being part of a community has fulfilled that for me. This community is pretty special and it is really lovely to be a part of this community so that has filled the void a bit.
I spent the first 5 years of my life in French’s Forest and then we moved to Foster where Mum and Dad bought a block of flats so we had a pretty idyllic childhood. Growing up in the 70’s, our parents let us run wild. I’m surprised we survived it to be honest. We used to go swimming at the beach on our own when we were only in primary school. They were fun days. I’m still very close with my cousins and my Aunty and Uncle on my Dad’s side. They are my family because Mum and Dad have passed away. I have a very strong affinity with them because they’ve been around since birth.
We moved back to Sydney and lived in Manly. Mum being a Loreto girl wanted me to go too so I went to Loreto Convent Kirribilli straight from a little country school to having to catch a bus for the first time. I missed the bus on my first day and I remember going home crying. Dad had to drive me. In hindsight it wasn’t the best school for me because I didn’t fit in there. I guess I was a bit of a rebel but shy at the same time. I didn’t have a lot of confidence, especially during my early teenage years. I was awkward and pretty anxious. At that time Dad drank a lot. It became quite intense when I was in Year 11 and 12. I ran away from home one night and bolted down to Manly, found a public phone box and got my friend to come and get me. I remember Mum picking me up from school. I sort of felt like I was her protector and I was the one in the family who stood up to Dad. Even though I was the protector I would also look at Mum and not respect her. I used to say, why don’t you just leave? She had a full time job and could have gone but it was 1985. Even back then there was this stigma. My brother’s gay and he was very self contained and quite closed. I always knew and used to think “come on, open up!” But back then it was pretty hard. He’s out and proud now.
After Dad died Mum moved up here and was very happy so she had those last years of her life living as a carefree woman. It was a choppy time and I was acting out by being promiscuous as well, which I have read, is a common thing in adoptees. Looking for love in all the wrong places (laughs).
I did really well in school until Year 10, then I lost my way. I started drinking too much and I blew it. I regret that as it shrunk my opportunities after school. All I wanted to do was travel overseas so I did a Secretarial course at Seaforth Tafe and my first job was in the legal department with the State Rail Authority. After that I worked in a big law firm in town and from there to another law firm so I got a lot of good experience being a Secretary. I had a serious boyfriend and travelled overseas with him when I was 21. I wish that I had studied Media and Communications and become a travel writer because I love travelling and writing so much. We came back, split up and I kept working in law firms. I went to the States by myself which was a cool experience.
The adoption laws changed in 1991 when I was 23. Unbelievable, we weren’t allowed to have access to our records before then. I had always wanted to know who my birth parents were. I had asked Mum over the years and had always been so curious of my blood line and my heritage. The department put me in contact with Adoption Triangle who send you a letter template to write so you are not exposing them. You have to be very sensitive about their story and who they’ve told. Luckily they didn’t have Smith as their surname otherwise I would still be searching today. It was a really unusual surname I’d never heard before. Back then it was just the telephone book and there were only 17 listings with that name. I wrote a letter to all of them. My birth mother had married and changed her name but her sister in-law called me. Her father had 2 families, 6 sons with his first wife and then another 5 girls and a son with his second wife, one of those girls was my birth mother. Her sister in law said …I know who you are! So obviously her siblings knew because she was still living at home when she was pregnant with me. Her sister in-law arranged for me to meet them and I wanted to include Mum in that meeting, I didn’t want her to feel like she was being usurped with this new woman. She was an amazing Mum so that was very important to me. I do feel very privileged having a Mum like her. She was loyal and selfless to the end.
I was so nervous that day going to meet Greta. My birth mother Greta answered the door. She was Danish and I had in my mind envisaged someone who had not had a great life, someone who might have been an addict, you know, someone down trodden. Because back then that’s the type of stories that were told about unwed mothers who gave their babies away. That was the story you kind of concoct in your mind so when she answered the door, I was like…Oh Wow! Not what I expected at all. She was attractive and just normal; and I remember thinking she looked a bit like Olivia Newton John. It was an awkward day. My 3 siblings were there including my elder sister Georgie. My birth mother had Georgie when she was 17 and kept her and then she had me when she was 19. She wanted to keep me but, because she was living at home, her dad told her she had to give me up for adoption.
She said she worked in a chicken shop and was on her legs through the whole pregnancy and she lost all her teeth after that pregnancy with me. She was young and probably nutrient deficient after having her first so young and then me not long after. So that weekend I got to know that side of my family and I involved Mum plus my boyfriend came along for parts of it. She did say, with tears in her eyes that she was sorry, so that was quite emotional. She said she did want to go and get me. When she signed the papers, it said that she had 4 weeks to change her mind. She did go back but I’d already been given away. There was a lot of shame and trauma going on.”
To be continued tomorrow.