“ I’ve just discovered in the last 2 weeks that I’m pregnant and am about 9 weeks now. This is pregnancy number four after having only one beautiful result, so technically I’m within the statistics of however many babies you can lose, they say one in four is ok before medically they become worried about you. Two losses for me is massive in terms of just being a statistic.
I am a registered nurse and I’m also a yoga teacher and have started to specialise in women who have experienced loss or trauma during birth. I think it’s a massive thing that doesn’t really get a lot of support unless you’ve gone over those statistics. I think physically and emotionally losing a baby at 5 weeks or full term …it’s big! I lost my first baby at 7 weeks. Found out I was pregnant on the Monday, started bleeding on the Tuesday and lost the baby on the Wednesday. It was just a heavy bleed.
The second one I was 12 weeks so there was actually a little foetus and a placenta to pass, I went into labour. It was a very deep experience and I’ll probably start crying as I haven’t really talked about it a lot. It’s not something you talk about to people. It really did shift a lot of things in my reality.
In my head I was going in a direction, you find out your pregnant and you just jump on a little bike and you say ‘right I’m going to that place’ and then suddenly your thrown off your bike and left lying on the ground going ‘What the?’ I can’t get back on that bike cause I’m not going there anymore. It’s disorientating and it’s that surrender. You know that feels so good to say sitting here talking to you now.
After the birth of our son Leo I felt an understanding in where I was trying to go, I wasn’t actually trying to go anywhere, I was exactly where I was just being with what was happening and I understood that and I feel like after the miscarriage it really deepened that experience because having a baby was the ultimate high, having a loss was the ultimate low. I think it’s made me a better person because its given me that window to be with whatever is happening at whatever time, experiencing something that’s so beautiful and then something that’s so heavy and still be ok..in a sense.
So finding out I was pregnant was a mix of, Hey..I have another chance and another little being has another chance. I’ve realised that being pregnant doesn’t necessarily mean having a baby, but it’s the ultimate experience of surrender…I can relax, I can say I’m not in control anymore and what will be will be. I will continue to be the best person I can be, continue to be peaceful and do my little piece that I feel I’m contributing some kind of good to the world. Having that big loss made me appreciate Leo more even though I didn’t think I could possibly appreciate him more than I did. He’s my only beautiful boy but he kept it real. If I was feeling sad he would pull my ears, make me laugh, open my heart and made me totally love what I’ve got and who needs any more than that.”