“ People expect that the reason I transitioned is because I want to be a man. That’s not what it’s about. Actually if I could do anything, I would like to look like and be in the body that I am because of the freedom and flexibility that men have and women do not. That’s what it’s more about for me because I’ve always been in my body. Not growing up as a man, growing up as a woman with a mum and a sister and being close to women as a lesbian, the biggest thing you miss the most about looking like a man is you no longer have that privilege of being connected to women as a woman like you did have because men are not connected to women in the same way and I didn’t expect that. It’s not like I found my people and have become a man, it’s like I lost my people and I look like a man.
I read a few comments when I was looking at Trans sites…What are the 2 things you miss the most about being a woman? One is access to children, a lot of Trans guys say and the other is women. I hadn’t gone to that side yet of people recognising me as a man and I didn’t quite understand because I still had access to children but as soon as you flip over to looking like a man that access disappears and you don’t even realise. You can imagine how creepy it is for women who don’t know you’re a woman. I’ve always been a child magnet. I’ve had great relationships with kids and even though I still behave the same I can see women pulling their children closer and little girls don’t come to you. Little boys gravitate to me more.
No, I haven’t always wanted to be a man. I think that the perimeters of what gender is supposed to be as… a woman is supposed to be like this and a man is supposed to be like this, they just didn’t fit me. I was not going to be a pretty, feminine, under the thumb, controlled by men female, but I also didn’t want to be a misogynistic, macho dickhead of a man. I guess the scripted roles of gender are so marginalised and none of them suited me. More than not if I could have just been a woman and had the freedom to go surfing topless, to be able to walk into the supermarket in summer with no shirt on, to not be sexualised for having boobs. If I could have had that male privilege of actually not being objectified as a female, being a woman would have been a very different world. A part of transitioning for me is .…I want to have access to that too but also part of it to me is that I’m a physical person and I guess I’ve always admired men’s strength and their physicality and their freedom in their bodies. I also find women incredibly beautiful in their bodies too and I was one of those.
When I met Marie she was working for ACON. I have a pretty vanilla life. I don’t box people, I don’t think who are you with to get definitions, I’m just with people. Marie used to call me Mister and I used to ask why do you call me that, I’m a woman. It was the first time a partner was challenging my identity and it ruffled my feathers. In the end it actually opened my eyes up to investigating things a bit more. I remember going to a function and sitting next to this bloke all night and when we got home I said to Marie, I really liked that guy I was sitting next to, he was really interesting. She said, he’s a Trans person. I said, what does that mean? She said, Well he used to be a female and now he identifies as a male. He had a full beard and I couldn’t believe it. I’ve always done male drag in my characters since I was little.
A good friend of mine Rebecca, who I’ve known for 17 years and was a very shy, introverted Scientist announced on Facebook that they were now Matthew. It’s the first person I had known to transition as a female. I watched his pictures for about 3 years, he had top surgery and got to a point where he looked amazing. I called him and said we need to talk. He came for the weekend and he was the same person but his access and experience in the world was completely different. He says he’s now deep undercover. He works in a man’s world of IT and manages men who think he’s a man. He says he can see all the privilege and he calls it. He says ‘I am a better man’.
I thought I would transition when I turned 50. I’d have 50 years as a woman then die as a dirty old man (laughs). That was my plan but at 47 I started peri menopausal and I was depressed and anxious. Mum had terrible menopause and I remember her at 47 just crying. It was like my genes had jumped into her tracks. I was feeling so disconnected to my body, no motivation and I was in a really tough place. I thought I may not live till I’m 50, I might die like Mum and Grandma at 49 so I started researching.
I found a Gender doctor on the Gold Coast, Stuart Aitkin who is amazing. He has been my doctor the whole way through and I’m coming up to 5 years this October. He asked about my body. I’ve always liked my body, I don’t think I’ve had Gender Dysphoria. He started to ask what I want to look like as a man. Bit of Tom Selleck, bit of Clint Eastwood. He said most people who have menopausal symptoms who start Testosterone, those symptoms just go. My first T shot and my depression and anxiety just left. I got fitter and my period stopped.
I got to a point where people were thinking I was a man all the time and that was weird because I could still use women’s toilets for quite a while but then a man would see me on the outside and go..’Hey brother, wrong toilet mate. I’d see women see me and look anxious. I had to start using mens toilets. Once I fully crossed over it was weird for a while but I was so self conscious about my breasts. I was starting to notice when I went to the beach and took my shirt off as I always did as a woman anyway, people had clocked me as a man and I had a decent pair of breasts and for the first time in my life I felt self conscious.
I had to make the decision and that was tough, taking a perfectly healthy set of boobs that everyone wants and chopping them off and pray that I will feel comfortable in that body. It was the breaking point.
I had the surgery, set myself up so I didn’t have to work for 6 months. I’m still healing. It will be a year in October but I’m healing well. Alys Saylor was my surgeon and said, how attached to your nipples are you? When she said that, my nipples just went Bing! Why? I said. As a surgeon she removes the nipples as they only have a 20% chance of surviving the op but she said I could get 3 dimensional nipple tattoos. I went away and thought about it for 2 years. I was scared of needles so I got an arm tattoo to see if I could do it and I could so then I booked. I got my nipples this week.
I remember as a kid driving down Molesworth St on a Saturday arvo and there’d be guys in jeans, hats, country and western shirts with their stereos blaring listening to ACDC on the bonnets of their cars. I was like, where the F*#k are we? The only time we would come to Lismore back then was when Mum wanted to do the op shops and we’d go to the Mecca Cafe which was amazing. In 2005 my partner suggested buying in Lismore as it was too far to drive to Uni from Main Arm and I wasn’t keen but then I bought the house in Allen St around the corner from Gerard’s and Ishta and Ori bought the house next door and then another gay guy Robert lived up the street and a couple of gay girls at the top of the street. I met all those people and The Winsome was happening. Fruits was going strong and I started to feel at home in Lismore which I wasn’t expecting and I really love it.”