Harper

I had a hard time at school. I went to Lismore Public, Lismore Primary and then Lismore High. I was expelled by the end of year 7 and eventually went to Richmond River High in Year 9. I had a good experience there. I had some beautiful teachers, especially Mrs Di Williamson who saw me through to finish Year 12. She used to bring me into her office and give me positive talks and guided me. She took me under her wing and she was the reason I went through and got my Year 12 certificate. School was difficult because you have to wear uniform and I hated that. I only wanted to wear the sports uniform and it was awful being forced and punished for not wanting to wear a skirt. I never did but it was stilI hard being vilified for not being ‘normal’ and like the rest of the kids. I felt fine in the sports uniform which was shorts and t-shirt and preferred to wear that and be bullied than wear a dress. I felt more free in senior years at Richmond River because you could wear pants. Outside of high school I still struggled to find my footing in life and who I was as a person. I moved around a lot but always in Lismore. Even though I love it here I need to get out of Lismore and see the world. I’ve only ever been to Sydney and Brisbane. I need to not live in a small town. I don’t think you can imagine how accepting everybody is when you’re thinking and talking about..is this who I am?…You cant imagine how accepting everybody’s going to be to you and that has been the most beautiful experience.

My mother is a heroin addict and she has been on the Methadone program since before I was born so I was born addicted to the substance. It may have had an affect on me but I don’t really know how. I guess I’m still figuring that out through counselling. I do love my mum very much. It’s difficult when it’s your parent and you see them being so self destructive when you just want them to parent you. I think that’s really hard. I still see my mum in the street sometimes. My grandparents have been much more accepting than I ever thought and my mum has been the opposite which surprised me. My mum was brought up in Nimbin around the Aquarius Festival so I thought she would be more accepting. It’s hard when a parent expects or wants their child to be a specific gender and that child doesn’t fit those gender stereotypes.

I’m still confused as to if I want to be wholly anything. I just want to feel more free and comfortable within my body and feel free and accepted in my gender expression and the fluidity of that. Sometimes I do feel more masculine but I also really cherish and appreciate my femininity and aspects of that. I don’t want to lose my nurturing and emotional abilities which is something I’ve struggled with on hormones because it changes everything. I’ve been on hormones since July last year and that’s been a journey. I definitely feel more comfortable now and the relationships around me show that. I’ve been living in the same place for 2 years so I’m more settled. You need a home to basically set up anything else in your life otherwise you are searching for that stability and grounding and that’s what I was looking for.

I worked as an aged care nurse for 3 years and a lot of the old people were much more accepting than I ever imagined. They were so beautiful and gave me confidence. They always complimented me about my smile, my demeanour and my manners. I appreciated my bosses and colleagues. It felt like family. I got a new job as a support worker and started my Diploma in Community Services at TAFE. Eventually I want to go to Uni and do a Bachelor in Social Welfare. My new job helps me see what other people are struggling with and gives me more experience to go out in the world. Hopefully next year if I can get my surgery in time I want to move to Brisbane. I feel like I’m in the pocket of a small town and have security here but I need to expand. Sometimes I feel a bit of fear about being accepted but you don’t know if you don’t actually own and talk about who you are and that’s why I accepted to do this interview. I was worried but I thought if I never speak up or own who I am then how am I ever going to receive the things that I’m actually seeking on a subconscious level which is acceptance and inclusion. I also want to create visibility for young people. I know there’s a lot of young people out there struggling with ideas of gender or their sense of self. There needs to be conversation so those young people can feel like those conversations aren’t taboo.

I’ve been shut down by doctors saying, you must have had an abusive father. Some people can have problems in their family and still transition gender and some people can have the perfect family and still want feel the same as me. In Lismore everyone has been pretty kind. Headspace is a wonderful organisation, all the organisations are coming up to speed with Gender identity.

I actually started mine by going to the Brisbane Transgender Clinic and they had a 6 month waiting list but it was worth it. It was a very long journey before I got my hormones. You have to see so many health care professionals, countless waiting lists, see Endocrinologists, so many steps even as a person over 18. I don’t want to be a stereotypical male, I just want to feel like my body reflects who I am on the inside.

The Fresh Fruits organisation has been important and same with Tropical Fruits. I’ve always been involved with these organisations and I feel more of a sense of family with Tropical Fruits than I have ever felt in my life. I feel so blessed to be a part of that. I’ve been in my relationship with Vanessa for over 9 months now and we work through things. It’s been really positive. Previous to this a lot of shit happened in my relationships because I was searching for that sense of self.

I had a lump in my chest that had to be removed and a surgeon in Lismore performed the operation. I have a consultation on the 7th December with that Doctors colleague. I will then find out the cost, when it will happen, what it will look like. I have a lot of excitement and some anxiety around that date. It’s huge but I need my breasts gone. My life is impacted everyday because of my body not fitting with my head. To get that surgery will be a new lease on life for me. This will enable me to actually leave the house. Having my dog Lemon has really helped and because she’s a rescue puppy I feel good about it. She’s become my best friend. She gets me out a bit more as I have body dysmorphia and I find it hard to get out sometimes.

I’m tiny and I suppose for me being a man isn’t about football or fights. It’s just about being comfortable. As I live right in town the CBD is my back yard and since going through the transition and since my changes have been more obvious at some point my expression became public knowledge and public property. People on the street feel they can ask me extremely invasive questions which I don’t understand at what point a persons identity becomes public property. I would never go up to someone and ask about their genitals or their bra size. Before I accepted to do this story I went through some of the stories on HOL all of the comments really reflect knowledgeable, aware and beautiful people. I think the first time I move to the city I will be able to experience my gender identity for the first time.

The biggest thing for me once I got over the shame of making a gofundme page, friends and people I have never met contributed. It doesn’t matter how big or small. I really hate having to ask for help. It took me months to get the courage to do it. I still don’t know how much the surgery will cost. I have health insurance but you still have to pay a large gap. I’m working and saving too but I can’t do it by myself. I think everybody feels some shame asking for help.”

Here is the link to Harpers top fund.