“ Every work day beforehand I would get up at 3.30 in the morning, dress as Emily. Try and feel it and live it till I had to convert back to Mark, go to work and then come home, change again and try to live. I would talk to my ex wife Bronwyn on the phone then cry myself to sleep. That was the long, difficult part. In amongst that was every weekend, getting up early, preparing myself physically and mentally to go out in Lismore to shop. Sometimes I would pull up in the car…I can’t get out right now…Oh maybe I’ll park over there… all these attempts to just go shopping. Sometimes I just couldn’t do it. All those hours of preparation just to go home. I would say to myself..OK I’m not going to do it today, I’ll do it tomorrow. Once I step out of the car I’m fine but when you are sitting in that little cocoon and you’re shielded from the world you feel secure. That lasted for 2 1/2 years, a long period of time.
January 2016 was basically pulling everything together, working with my Psychologist, my Endocrinologist, hormone and psychological work to get to a good place….Getting myself physically fit and strong to be able to go and have full Gender Reassignment surgery in March 2017. I was in a good physical and mental state to do that but at the same time I also knew that this had to work. I couldn’t imagine coming back from Thailand and it not happening. I got myself over there on my own, did the whole thing and got myself back. I went through another few weeks of recovery at home and then back to work. I would go off to work with my ring cushion to sit down on.
A lot of people whether they be gender diverse or whatever can have a lot of insecurities and vulnerabilities. Speaking as a Transgender person I had a lot of vulnerabilities in the beginning. You move in the world knowing a story about yourself and your body and you’re trying to present the body you feel you want to express. At the same time you are knowing that other people see you with your masculine characteristics and you know what you’re concealing and what you are trying to enhance and you don’t know what they are thinking. There’s all this stuff going on. The staring, the sniggers or silly reactions from people. Dealing with all those things is a great learning curve to get to a point where you can evolve in the world without worrying what other people think and how they react to you. The greatest thing that gave me the strength to do that was before I went for surgery. I got to a point where I went…Ahh!! So I completely love and accept myself. I was really happy that I felt that before I went for surgery. I thought this is the current state and configuration of my body but I accept and love myself totally. That gave me the strength to walk out in the street knowing I don’t need others love and acceptance. I am who I am and that’s all I need.
When I got back from Thailand after my surgery my Psychologist said… Emily, you’ve completed your transition!
I said…Oh, goodness me! So I have! Its good to have an end point because it made me realise that now I can plan the next stage of my life without that..I am transitioning. I decided that at this point I am happy with who I am and how I present. Now I have to work out the rest of my life. When I came back I had this ongoing hip issue which wasn’t getting better so within that 12 month period I had a hip replacement as well. March 2017 was the sex change and Feb 2018 was the new hip.
It’s been quite a journey. For every stage of your life, my partner Janet and I realise that we have our past, we have our stories and our beliefs and we’ve come to clarify the things that don’t serve us anymore. We have a clarity on our past stories and beliefs that have caused us grief. It’s another whole transition to live a human life in a calm and happy way. Not just.… I’m female but how do I live as a human being? That part has come about by living in the moment and not getting caught up in old stories. I think for a trans person, movement through life can be extraordinarily difficult because It’s dependant upon how other people see you. I try to help other trans people as much as I can. You have to draw on help, it doesn’t just come to you, you have to ask for it, you have to want it and you have to pursue it. If it’s something really genuine in your mind and you have a crystal clear picture of it you have to go for it. You can’t let the fears and detachments hold you back.
I love Lismore and I’m finding again that I’m starting to connect with another layer of people that I haven’t been associated with. One of the big questions that came up when I realised my true identity was…Am I in the right place to transition? As a male I was completely disconnected from people so I wondered if I was in the right place. When it started evolving I realised I was definitely in the right place, there’s no question of that. I’m finding there’s new tiers of people I’m connecting with and many more I want to.”