“ I grew up in country Victoria. My father was a Methodist Minister and my mother looked after the home. I spent my primary school years in Morwell in the LaTrobe Valley. My high school later years were in Melbourne and my parents split when we moved.
I started a Carpentry apprenticeship and 6 months into that I was quite bored. I felt like I wanted a challenge. I joined the Army Reserve to Commando company down in Williamstown which was a huge challenge for me because I had been fairly limited in my exposure to anything. I also limited myself as I had trouble socialising at all with people and I think that’s because I didn’t understand myself. I had a concept of myself and it was pure in my mind what the concept was then and now but in terms of living as a human I struggled in many ways.
My life consisted of a lot of physical activities and achievements to try and have an identity and understand who I thought I was, such as being in the Army doing extreme, masculine type things. I used to do a lot of scuba diving, rock climbing, I was a Free-fall Parachutist in the Army, demolition trained, an underwater assault diver and all sorts of crazy things. I don’t regret any of that.
Basically, the way I survived high school was to be extremely fit and strong. I couldn’t respond in a psychological way to threats but I could protect myself physically by being strong and virtually unbreakable. I limited myself though in the social side of my life.
I finished my apprenticeship and went on to become a leading hand, then the Foreman. I got married and had two daughters. We were together for 17 years. We separated at one stage and got back together, I thought, this is it, it’s working but finally we ended divorcing. My ex wife (it always gets to me at this point) has been my greatest support through this transition. It’s incredible! She had a background in Counselling but without her to lean on or talk to day after day…she has been my rock. I always had this questioning of how can I be really happy and contented? When we split up I had a long period of major depression and anxiety. I think it had a lot to do with not knowing my true self. When I went through depression I lost my identity. I wasn’t working or doing those things I used to do so I struggled with… Who am I?
I was in another long term relationship with a woman and moved here to the Northern Rivers. It lasted a couple of years and I was politely asked to leave. She’d seen something in me I didn’t see in myself. It took another 3 years of hitting bigger and bigger lows to push me to the point where on a Friday night I was on the phone to my ex wife and she said…If you woke up in an ideal world tomorrow with no repercussions on yourself, how would it look? At that point I was crying…I don’t know! I don’t know! After another week and feeling even lower she asked me the same question. I knew instantly. It came to me like a lightning bolt. I said, I’d be female. It was so clear. I slept on it overnight feeling relief of having the answer.
The next thing was…How can I make this work in my life? How will I go to work? How will my family take it? How will I ever go to the gym? How will I go to a female toilet? All these massive questions that come up. That was 26th October 2013 and it took me till Christmas Eve 2015….I was living in Eltham and I was invited to a friends place. I raced home from work, threw some clothes on and I realised suddenly I had no idea who would be at this party. I trusted my friends and hadn’t exposed myself to anyone that I knew as Emily. I went along and I felt so comfortable. That was it, I was out as Emily.
I spoke to my work at Ballina Council as soon as I could, we had a meeting with my Psychologist and planned how it would work with the head of HR and my boss.I was off for a couple of days while my immediate crew of about 26 guys were told. That information was shared around the whole Council so they could absorb it, ask questions, etc, ( tears well up). The head of HR called and said..Emily, we’ve told everyone, there was some shock and surprise but great support. I was happy they knew but I had a massive panic attack. It was..Oh my God! Im out there now. Thursday I went to work as Emily. I walked in and I was fine.
Everything is an evolution. I’m an evolution, people around me have to evolve. I feel like I’m settling into a place where I can evolve with people as I want to, not like I think I should. There’s a large part of my life I feel I’ve lost which was the hardest part, from identifying that October 13 to coming out at work. It was an immense time of real trauma, fear, pain and frustration. Not knowing anything about what this means for me, trying to research it on the internet, trying to find people to talk to about it and trying to grasp what it means, How am I going to live this?”