“In 2010 I was having my twin girls, second pregnancy, I had a 3 year old boy, Torin and at 38 weeks I had twin girls and one of my daughters was stillborn. Yarralea came out perfect and Sage we found out later on had been tangled in her chord and had died 4 days before I had gone into labour so we didn’t know until I went into labour.”
“Obviously the year after was a really, really challenging time and about 10 months after I had the girls I fell pregnant with my fourth baby, we were in Canberra at the time and we decided to come back up to the North Coast. When we came up here I was 20 weeks pregnant with Jaia and even though it was a straightforward pregnancy it was obviously incredibly stressful and I had a lot of anxiety. When I arrived here I went through the Caseload program at Lismore Base and had a beautiful midwife look after me. Coming up here was like coming out of a really dark time and being here was like letting that sunshine back in, I had my family around and good friends.”
“This painting is from one of my best friends sister Kat Dolby and you know coming here I felt surrounded by that love. We moved to Lismore when Jaia was 9 weeks old and that whole period afterward has seen us go from feeling like we would never ever be happy again to probably becoming happier than I ever was before, it’s a deeper happiness.”
“As Yarralea gets older she loves talking about Sage, she tells people about her sister and she’s very aware that she had a sister. When Yarralea was almost 4 she said to me “you know when Sage died Mummy, I remember being inside and I remember my eyes lit up like fireflies when she died’ “I think she remembers certain bits. She also said to me”.. ‘she was saying something over and over and over again and I couldn’t hear what she was saying’ “and when she was dying she kicked a lot so she has this memory of it. I feel she is very connected with her. She often says ‘I wish Sage was still here.’
“Five years on now, it’s still hard for me but I never thought I would heal from it but you do. You come to a place where you accept that it’s part of your story and having her in my story makes me a better person.”
“About 2 years ago I ventured back into midwifery after being out since I had my kids. Coming back in was so hard. I seem to draw upon experiences that challenged what I had experienced but I think it will make me a better midwife because you come across people who are losing a baby or who are facing pregnancy after loss and I think now it gives me an understanding that I never really had before. Just knowing the place that you go to makes me more understanding of the journey they are going to go on. I’m doing Aboriginal womens health at the moment and I’m already finding it really helpful. Sadly there’s a higher rate of stillbirth among indigenous women and so it helps me relate to some of their grief. In the future, I guess I’d love to be involved in teaching midwives how to handle stillbirth and just having that story to connect to it.