Airdre (Part Two) – “The night my mother died my twin brother and I were taken to live with my father whom we hadn’t seen for some time. We were plucked out of our lives and put in with our father who we weren’t comfortable with at all. My father was married to a very successful business woman who ran everything she did with incredible efficiency. Here comes two messed up teenagers and they were not equipped to deal with it. They wanted to tidy us up. There was no grief counselling at that stage. It was just ‘Buck up Charlie’. We had lost our Mum who had been loving and very tolerant of us, our friends and our lives. We went into a house that was so strict. It was horrible and things went rapidly down hill. There was a series of arguments and slamming of doors. I was 17 and I looking back I probably could have behaved better but at the time I couldn’t stand it.
I left the family home and I had to leave Angus as I couldn’t take him with me. I embarked on a short career of drug taking that seemed like a terrific idea at the time but then I realised that was madness too. Angus left home as well.
I had a boyfriend who asked me to go to Australia and I said ok. He wanted to go to Sydney and I said ok. I would have gone anywhere. Off we went to sunny Australia. Wellington was 11 degrees and the Arctic wind was whipping up the streets. We arrived in Sydney later that day and it was Rocktober, 25 degrees in Ocean St Woollahra and it was fabulous.
I did this kind of shitty thing. Because I had been having such a hard time with my father and stepmother, I didn’t tell them I was going. I just left a note saying..’Gone to Australia’ and I fled. I wasn’t coping. Around me at that time in Wellington it seemed that everybody was taking drugs and I could only see the darkness closing in on me.
I worked at the telephone exchange, saved my money and bought me and my boyfriend tickets and off we went because you can’t give up chocolates living in a chocolate shop. I extricated us and Angus came 6 months later. I didn’t mean to stay so long in Australia but I did. The road just kept on unfolding in front of me and I kept following the road. I ended up in Sydney for 20 years.
I had a marriage that was difficult and I left that marriage with my first daughter. I married someone else and had another daughter so the road kept on unfolding in front of me. We were living in Sydney with 2 little girls in Lane Cove but we weren’t getting anywhere. My husband got a job at Southern Cross Uni. I knew that it would be good for him and for my girls but I couldn’t really see my future. He stepped on the academic pathway and did really well. The girls thrived living in the country with horses and dogs.
It took me a long time to find work and my place in the community and then I was unanchored again. My second husband left me. He fell in love with one of his students and took one week to leave. I was living out at Rosebank with our two daughters and he came in and said ‘Ive met someone’ and then he left. When you are on your own with kids in Rosebank you had to drive 30 km’s to get milk. I had been in singing groups and ……then everything stopped! My life stopped again. It was back to I didn’t matter. If I’d mattered he would have done something. He cast me off like an old shoe. I fell apart and I didn’t cope well at all. I was like my mother when my father left her. I ranted and raved and tore at my chest. The betrayal, I couldn’t believe it.
I went to Sydney, had a whole lot of counselling and I came back to Lismore because I could afford to buy a house here and life was manageable here. I bought my house in Girards Hill. I had no money but I raided the kids bank accounts, the ashtray in the car and they gave me a loan because I was on a single parents pension and had guaranteed income. I scraped in. That made all the difference because now we belonged somewhere. I’ve been here for 15 years now and I’ve made lots of friends. I feel safe and connected here. I love Lismore. You can do your life without having to navigate the labyrinths, roads and protocols.
My twin brother stayed in Sydney and I was worried about him. He had by then developed an unhealthy drinking problem and I learned what is to have someone you love who’s an alcoholic. It’s impossible. You can beg, pray and preach, yell, scream and offer a thousand solutions but you are completely powerless. It was unbearable, the pain of watching him become so lonely.
One time I went to see him in Sydney and his hand was kind of twisted. I asked what was wrong with it and he didn’t know. I said I think you have broken your wrist. I took him to the hospital and he had in fact fractured his wrist. The Doctor said ‘It happened a while ago so it has mended that way. To fix it we would have to break it again.’ I couldn’t bear the pain of knowing that something had happened to him and his neglect was so much it wasn’t being looked after. I freaked out and I rang my big brother and sister in NZ. I said, ‘If something doesn’t happen he is going to die. You have to do something!’ Angus was angry at me but my brother paid for him to go back to NZ and my sister took him in to her house. I was worried about him, it was tearing me up. When you have a twin, its like a child inside your heart. I felt his pain, I felt his sorrow and I felt his loneliness to the point where I had to actually physically separate myself from that because it was too hard to live feeling him inside me. He went back to NZ and he was furious with me. He had a right to be cross because I took charge. He stayed with my sister but she didn’t like him drinking.”
I left the family home and I had to leave Angus as I couldn’t take him with me. I embarked on a short career of drug taking that seemed like a terrific idea at the time but then I realised that was madness too. Angus left home as well.
I had a boyfriend who asked me to go to Australia and I said ok. He wanted to go to Sydney and I said ok. I would have gone anywhere. Off we went to sunny Australia. Wellington was 11 degrees and the Arctic wind was whipping up the streets. We arrived in Sydney later that day and it was Rocktober, 25 degrees in Ocean St Woollahra and it was fabulous.
I did this kind of shitty thing. Because I had been having such a hard time with my father and stepmother, I didn’t tell them I was going. I just left a note saying..’Gone to Australia’ and I fled. I wasn’t coping. Around me at that time in Wellington it seemed that everybody was taking drugs and I could only see the darkness closing in on me.
I worked at the telephone exchange, saved my money and bought me and my boyfriend tickets and off we went because you can’t give up chocolates living in a chocolate shop. I extricated us and Angus came 6 months later. I didn’t mean to stay so long in Australia but I did. The road just kept on unfolding in front of me and I kept following the road. I ended up in Sydney for 20 years.
I had a marriage that was difficult and I left that marriage with my first daughter. I married someone else and had another daughter so the road kept on unfolding in front of me. We were living in Sydney with 2 little girls in Lane Cove but we weren’t getting anywhere. My husband got a job at Southern Cross Uni. I knew that it would be good for him and for my girls but I couldn’t really see my future. He stepped on the academic pathway and did really well. The girls thrived living in the country with horses and dogs.
It took me a long time to find work and my place in the community and then I was unanchored again. My second husband left me. He fell in love with one of his students and took one week to leave. I was living out at Rosebank with our two daughters and he came in and said ‘Ive met someone’ and then he left. When you are on your own with kids in Rosebank you had to drive 30 km’s to get milk. I had been in singing groups and ……then everything stopped! My life stopped again. It was back to I didn’t matter. If I’d mattered he would have done something. He cast me off like an old shoe. I fell apart and I didn’t cope well at all. I was like my mother when my father left her. I ranted and raved and tore at my chest. The betrayal, I couldn’t believe it.
I went to Sydney, had a whole lot of counselling and I came back to Lismore because I could afford to buy a house here and life was manageable here. I bought my house in Girards Hill. I had no money but I raided the kids bank accounts, the ashtray in the car and they gave me a loan because I was on a single parents pension and had guaranteed income. I scraped in. That made all the difference because now we belonged somewhere. I’ve been here for 15 years now and I’ve made lots of friends. I feel safe and connected here. I love Lismore. You can do your life without having to navigate the labyrinths, roads and protocols.
My twin brother stayed in Sydney and I was worried about him. He had by then developed an unhealthy drinking problem and I learned what is to have someone you love who’s an alcoholic. It’s impossible. You can beg, pray and preach, yell, scream and offer a thousand solutions but you are completely powerless. It was unbearable, the pain of watching him become so lonely.
One time I went to see him in Sydney and his hand was kind of twisted. I asked what was wrong with it and he didn’t know. I said I think you have broken your wrist. I took him to the hospital and he had in fact fractured his wrist. The Doctor said ‘It happened a while ago so it has mended that way. To fix it we would have to break it again.’ I couldn’t bear the pain of knowing that something had happened to him and his neglect was so much it wasn’t being looked after. I freaked out and I rang my big brother and sister in NZ. I said, ‘If something doesn’t happen he is going to die. You have to do something!’ Angus was angry at me but my brother paid for him to go back to NZ and my sister took him in to her house. I was worried about him, it was tearing me up. When you have a twin, its like a child inside your heart. I felt his pain, I felt his sorrow and I felt his loneliness to the point where I had to actually physically separate myself from that because it was too hard to live feeling him inside me. He went back to NZ and he was furious with me. He had a right to be cross because I took charge. He stayed with my sister but she didn’t like him drinking.”